PGCE application - what NOT to write

Anyone wanting to do a PGCE will face the long personal statement that is required. Fortunately, there is an application assistant on the TDA website to help you fill in this daunting thing, by giving you a number of questions that you can answer and tailor to your own needs.

Here's what not to write in response to the suggested questions:

Question one
Who or what has influenced your choice to apply to be a teacher?
Cold hard cash is the influence. Have you seen how much teachers get paid compared to call centre phone-jockeys?

Question two
Why will you enjoy working with young people?
They're short enough to smack in the head without much effort.

Question three
Why will you enjoy teaching your subject?
Finally I have an audience that won't answer back, because I really will know more than them!

Question four
What did you learn about teaching through your experience in schools or other educational environments?
It is still possible to teach with a pupil-inflicted wound with eighty stiches in your face, and also stab-proof vests come in a nice shade of lilac.

Question five
What can you offer apart from your own specialist subject?
For fear of incriminating myself, I must reply "nothing". Just ignore the results of the Criminal Records Bureau check, that's all.

Please note, this purely in jest, and bear no resemblance whatsoever to my real PGCE application form. Good luck with the real form if you're filling it in.